Social Anxiety. It is like this dark cloud that can follow you around. Few want to admit or acknowledged it’s existence, but there it is, looming. Admitting we have it gives us even more anxiety and ignoring it can make it difficult to do anything.
It wasn’t easy to admit that I suffer from social anxiety. It started as just flat out anxiety. I had never suffered from it and didn’t even realize what it was. I noticed my issues with anxiety after Makenzee was born, my first child. I was a single mom and was terrified of everything. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else driving her in a car, struggled with working and a social life because I was afraid to leave her with anyone and slept near her all the time. I had read too many books on SIDs. Spiders, scorpions, and anything and everything terrified me. Lets face it, I was literally insane and had no idea.
Fast forward a eleven years, I have 5 total kids now. I am divorced. My marriage was toxic and controlling. I have met an amazing man now who supports me to the max. I am happy.
I don’t have daily anxiety anymore, been there, seen that at this point. What I have now is social anxiety. At one point I was fun. I enjoyed socializing, going out on the town and talking to my friends. Now, I really keep to myself an prefer spending time with my family.
The social anxiety comes in hit or miss. I frequently feel like I am going to be judged. I spent many years in a marriage with someone who convinced me that I would never be good enough and with 4 kids with 2 dads, no one would like me or want me. That has stuck in my head more than anyone reading this can fathom. Imagine upping it to 5 kids, 3 dads and an amazing man that you most times, you can’t understand why he picked you. I guess my anxiety revolves around what others think of me. I know I shouldn’t worry or care and I should let things go, but lets face it, we all read and hear when people have terrible things to say about a situation like this.
My feelings of anxiety and insecurity really tie together and make it difficult for me. Some days, I could care less. Some days, aren’t easy and I really worry and keep to myself. I wish it was easier and I wish people were not SO DANG JUDGMENTAL. Unfortunately, that is life. I have been better lately at coming to terms with my life. I don’t want this to make me seem unhappy, because that is NOT the case. I couldn’t ask for more happiness or love than I have at this point in my life. When I am having a bad day and really feeling down, I find that taking deep breaths, taking a shower, getting ready and reminding myself how awesome I am really helps me.
One thing that has helped me is some of the friendships that I have made with a few fellow blogger friends. I find that we have a connection that is different and non judgmental! I really try to surround myself with people who are positive and uplifting, people who are caring and HAPPY. It has made such a difference in my life, but in the end, social anxiety isn’t going to just go away. It is something I have to deal with day by day, moment by moment.
Here is to any other ladies dealing with it…I don’t have answers for you. I don’t have tips. It is something we all have to deal with and embrace in our own ways. Know that not everyone is out to judge you and know that you are doing the best, most amazing that you can possibly do for yourself and your loved ones!